I got denied. I expected this. They asked for a letter from my Doctor stating my last date able to work which was July 14, 2014. They asked me to see a psychiatrist and I got an appointment with Dr. Nowicki for March 2015. Now by this time it’s November 2014, Dr. Bigham has retired and my new GP at the same office is Dr. Crabbe.
I was having a panic attack when i arrived for my appointment, and mentioned that to the receptionist. When I get in the doctor’s office, I am sitting in a chair about 5ft away from the Dr. and he asks my why I’m here. Well my mouth opens and out comes my entire life in a babbling river of tears and snot running down my face. I felt so intimidated and nervous it was horrible. She left the room to get me some Kleenex and when i thanked her she said "its ok I have to do it for everybody" like was an inconvenience. I continue on with my babbling and I think she may have asked me a couple of questions but I don’t remember because I was in such a horrible state of mind.
At the end of our session she looks at me and asks "so how I am I supposed to help you” What? I replied that I didn’t know. She said "ok well first I have to go over our notes and I will write a letter to your Dr. When do you want to come back?” "Umm I don’t know maybe when you’re done going over my file” I say to her. She finally makes an appointment for April 21, 2015.
I left that appointment feeling so embarrassed, lost and confused. I wasn’t even able to think about it without having a full blown panic attack. It was one of the worst Dr.’s appointments of my life.
So back to my family Dr. to see what Nowicki had to say? According to her I’m depressed and need to go on Paxil.
I then get another denial letter from CPP. They say I’m not qualified even though I’m depressed and need Paxil as per psychiatrist. Well I don’t want to go on Paxil. I was on it in 2007 and it didn’t agree with me. Dr. Crabbe informs me if I want CPP I need to follow what they say. At this point I’m in tears. I don’t want more pills, I just can’t work anymore.
I agree to take the Paxil in April 2015. By Sept 2015 I started having crazy dreams. A few people told me that can happen sometimes with Paxil. It’s freaky but don’t worry it’s just the pills. Ok fine, just more side effects. By Christmas I’m pretty depressed inside and my dreams keep getting worse, but I put on a happy face as Christmas is coming.
By January 2016 I realized that I had been spending more and more time in my bedroom. Dreams were still happening and now they are affecting me while I’m awake. Depression is worse.
By March 2016, I’ve been hiding in my room for 2 months now. My OCD is through the roof and my panic attacks are out of control. I realize this is not normal and it is a serious effect of the Paxil.
I make an appointment to see a mental health nurse at my Dr’s office and we discuss the Paxil and what has been going on. She seems concerned. She has to discuss things with Dr. Crabbe, so I made an appointment for March 18 for a follow up.
I’m just getting worse and worse. My mental state is now at the lowest it’s ever been. I have no idea what is going on.
March 18 I tell the nurse I truly believe it’s the Paxil and I’m scared and I want off of it now. She says she is putting me on an emergency psych request with the mental health crisis center. It could take up to 3 wks. If anything happens in the meantime go to ER. Yak right. No thanks.
So I’m waiting my 3 weeks and all hell breaks loose. It got so bad that on April 8th while taking my morning bath and was rinsing my hair, my brain, for 1 split second, told me to DO IT. Hold your head under the water. OMG what the fuck just happened. I sat up so fast, pulled the plug and was frantically trying to rip out any hair in the drain so the water would go away faster. I get myself out of the tub and have a breakdown.
I have always said I would never commit suicide because I could never hurt my family like that.
If I had not been aware of the fact that the Paxil had complete control over me and my brain that day I, probably would not be here telling this story. But i know my body; I know my brain. I knew that if I had committed suicide that day, it would NOT have been me doing it. It would HAVE been the Paxil.
I call and make an appointment to see Dr. Crabbe the next week. I tell him what happened in the tub and that I’m now terrified for my own life from myself. How fucking scary is that? I can’t trust my own safety in the hands of myself. Get me into the psych Dr. now or I’m going off these pills right now myself. He agrees to lower my dose and start weaning me off. He also says he will call the crisis center himself. I also tell him I want the psych to help me figure out which type of OCD I have and if I’m possibly bipolar.
I get a call the next day from the crisis center. We set up an appointment for April 18. With Dr. Lefcoe
Ok here we go. Some help perhaps. I start off with a resident Dr. Spend about half an hour going over everything I just went through. All of a sudden he says he has to go discuss with Dr. Lefcoe. Oh ok. Didn’t know we were done talking but sure. I want to see the Dr. That’s what I’m here for. In he comes, talking fast, asking questions but not waiting to hear the answer, or cuts you off half way through answering. A typical Dr. He asks me if i was put on Paxil after already being and currently taking Cymbalta, and I say yes. The other psych and CPP said to. NO NO NO NO he says. Paxil and Cymbalta do not work well with each other. Take lower dose of Paxil for 1week and then start new pill Cipralex right away. WTF???? More pills. And then as I’m walking out the door, he is standing in the hallway and says "by the way you don’t have bipolar, maybe some sort of a mood disorder but not bipolar. Ok thanks for saying that out loud in front of people.
Grrrrrr off to the pharmacy to drop of new Rx.
I get a phone call later that day from pharmacist saying not to take the Cipralex because i might have the same reaction as the Paxil, so back to Dr. Crabbe. I’m not taking any more antidepressants, so we agree to stay off the Paxil and Cipralex but hang on to the Cipralex and if I need it I would go see him and we would start them. He also told me Dr. Lefco sent him a letter saying i have OCD, some sort of a mood disorder probably MDD and possibly PTSD. Omg really? More letters?
My mental state has been 90% better. I still have my sad or grumpy days but that’s ok, I’ll deal with that. My fibro is what is stopping me from working.
I had my follow up with .Dr. Lefcoe this morning. Well first i had an appointment with the resident Dr. A different one of course. Half way through her talking to me Lefco calls her and tells her to go discuss me in his office and for me to wait in waiting room. Grrrr. Come talk to me yourself.
I told him that i feel better without the Paxil. I can deal with the OCD and other issues but I need him to write me a letter saying that I applied for CPP because of fibro and my case got turned into me being depressed and needing pills that almost cost me my life. So he chicken scratches me a letter, doesn’t discuss anything else with me and sends me on my way. He doesn’t discuss the PTSD, the MDD, the OCD or the group counseling that he suggested to me the first time i was here.
And that’s it. I’m still getting denied by CPP but IM STILL FIGHTING.
Hopefully I can give you a positive update soon.